My True Feelings?

is SAD. i lost a thing and gonna lose another thing again! the another thing meant SO MUCH to me.i treasure it very much! and i even cried for the whole half day for it..damn! i never cried for YEARS ad and i already forgot how's the feeling of crying ad but now..it just came back to me...ishhh i faked my smile for the whole day ad...and I'm tired being the fake me...MINYEN can u stop being that strong and overprotective? yeahh i really hope i can be more soften and being protect by anyone but not myself. but the thing is..i cant.i just cant pass through myself! why??i don't even know why..i only know that i must protect myself and there's no point to depend on anyone...maybe i never have the safety feeling...like who doesn't enjoy being protect by someone or anyone?i do too. but I'm being stubborn.i don't wish people to sympathies me or look down on me or feel annoyed with me and my problems. so i always act tough when i need protection, act happy when I'm not, act that I'm not angry even if I'm angry with it....everything! this had train me to become a good actress i guess but somehow some feelings cant be hide, someone will eventually realize about it...it's only the matter of time and how deep a person understands you. Yeah i know, my life look like it's perfect...I'm always stress-less, cheerful, outgoing, sociable, being loved and close to my family, i don't even really need to care about the material things for now and so on...someone told me they are so jealous of me and my life but they never know the dark corner in my life which i choose not to tell anyone about it and hide plus well kept in my heart. Well, it's not really a good stuff so why should i be telling to the public, right? Nobody life is PERFECT so am i. I'm tired and feel like giving up ad...Sorry to those friends who cared for me ! i appreciate it much. Love you guys but i don't really feel like talking about it. so i ignore all the messages, phone calls and also text you guys sent me! SO SORRY. and please don't ask me when i see u guys tomorrow. ask me only if you want to see me crying in front of you guys. but as you all know that i hate crying in the public or seen by anyone so...please don't ask me anything tomorrow!